Category Archives: Respect

When I Stopped Rewarding My Son for Good Behavior

My last blog piece, “Done with Rewards” was a short rant probably triggered by some interchange between a parent and their kid at the coffee place where I was hanging out and writing. As I said…

I know I’m done with rewards. I have come to find the whole concept demeaning and rude and so 20th Century. Behavior modification, extrinsic motivation, gold stars, contests, “races to the top”, it all seems to no longer be useful in the evolution of our species. I think we are finally ready to let motivation be intrinsic and allow everyone to be who they really are and not what the rest of us want them to be instead.

Continue reading →

Done with Rewards!

I know I’m done with rewards. I have come to find the whole concept demeaning and rude and so 20th Century. Behavior modification, extrinsic motivation, gold stars, contests, “races to the top”, it all seems to no longer be useful in the evolution of our species. I think we are finally ready to let motivation be intrinsic and allow everyone to be who they really are and not what the rest of us want them to be instead.

Continue reading →

Talkin’ ‘bout their G-g-generation

Pete Townshend of 'The Who' at a recent Super Bowl
In her article “How to Make the World a Better Place Despite the Roadblocks and Naysayers”, Millennial generation writer Courtney Martin puts forward the case that her generation is getting a bad rap from the media and conventional wisdom that portrays them as self-involved and suffering from an inappropriate sense of entitlement. I tend to sympathize with and support her assertion, based on my anecdotal (and limited) experience talking with my son and daughter and their circles of Millennial friends.

Continue reading →

Just Us and no Them

One of the key protocols of patriarchy (the ideology of the angry father-figure) is the separation of the world, or any microcosm within the world in terms of “us” and “them”. We humans love to frame things in dualistic terms (such as yin and yang or good and bad), but this is one dichotomy that I would argue we would be well served to rid from ourselves, and in so doing, rid from our greater culture. Doing so, I believe, would go a long way to finally eradicating the patriarchal “virus” that manages somehow to propagate itself from generation to generation. As a parent and a progressive-minded person, propagation to the next generation is something I think about a lot.

Continue reading →

Schools without Principals

Just as in real estate they say the three key things are “location, location, location”, when it comes to formal institutions like schools, businesses, religious congregations, or even just teams within those institutions, in my mind the three key things are “governance, governance, governance”. Given my obsession, it is nice to see Education Week blogs highlighting both a new study focused on school governance and a very different non-hierarchical model for running a school.

Continue reading →

Moving Beyond “Adultism” & Disrespect of Youth

It is stunning to me the “adultism” demonstrated by the disrespectful ways many adults still treat children and youth, particularly their own kids. I think it is one of the last vestiges in our society of pure patriarchal “power-over” protocol that is still considered acceptable by many adults in dealing with their children and youth. That protocol involves the assumption that the “superior” adult/parent has the absolute command and control over the “inferior” young person/child, such that any inappropriate behavior by the “inferior” reflects on and is highly disrespectful to the reputation of their “superior” and must be forcibly modified to save face.

Continue reading →

Thoughts on Liberty for Youth

As I have said many times before (from my reading of human history), the development of our species for the past five millennia has been all about the transition from patriarchal institutions based on the rule of strength to more partnership ones based on the rule of law. This transition involves more people becoming stakeholders with the liberty to chart their own course, check the power of their leaders, and contribute their two cents to the growing collective wisdom that has brought us such breakthroughs as the 2008 election of Barak Obama as President of the United States.

For me, a logical step still ahead of us in this progression is conferring more liberty upon our young people so they can be greater stakeholders in their own development, prior to their reaching adulthood. Continue reading →

Growing Up with No Rewards or Punishment

Peter, Cooper, Eric & Jane in 1978
Peter, Cooper, Eric & Jane in 1978
My parents were not into rewards or punishments, an approach to parenting that was pretty unique when I was growing up in the late 50’s through the early 70’s, and still so today. I recall one instance of being swatted on the butt by my dad, not a premeditated thing, but impromptu when I was reaching for something on the hot stove. But other than that, I have no recollection of ever being spanked or grounded, or receiving any of the conventional punishments that most other kids were subjected to. Continue reading →

A System Rank with Ranking

GradesA hierarchical social system by its nature is all about ranking (including the most basic and binary ranking of superiors and inferiors, winners and losers), which determines whether one is slotted in the upper of lower levels of the societal structure. If you look around the world today you can see the rigid ordering of human beings still thriving in some cultures, while in others, a transition to a more (I would venture to say more evolved) egalitarian circle of equals is well underway, at least in some societal institutions.

Since the time of ancient Greece (if not earlier), Western culture has had an ongoing historical thread of the emergence of more egalitarian trends (including Athenian democracy and the egalitarian philosophy of Jesus of Nazareth) attempting to break through an overlay of coercive authoritarian control (including Greek and Roman empires, and religious conformity under Constantine and later Roman Church popes). Continue reading →

Santa Claus, Baby Jesus, and Honoring Children

Santa & KidMy mom had a great love for everything that had to do with Christmas, and particularly the figure of Santa Claus and what he symbolized in terms of celebrating and honoring children. She believed in God (unlike me) but also felt that organized religion was one of the great scourges of human history. Given that, she still enjoyed even the Christian celebration of the birth of the baby Jesus, and the bestowing on him of great gifts, seeing it as a metaphor as to how all people should greet and treat our children with an abundance of love.

Though they lived on a new college professor’s modest earnings, my parents made every effort to make Christmas time the most wonderful time of the year for me as a child. They perhaps more than most parents of the 1950s understood the value of play in the development of a young person and researched and bought me wonderful toys – like Tinker Toys, Lincoln Logs, wooden trains, plastic soldiers and dinosaurs – that they wrapped and placed under our Christmas tree, sometimes as much as a week or two before the big day, fueling my anticipation of this yearly event. Add to this great anticipation, we would sometimes do our Christmas celebration back east at my mom’s folks house in Binghamton, a journey usually taken by train in a sleeping compartment, one of my young life’s most memorable adventures. Continue reading →