My partner Sally had an insightful and charismatic teacher in her graduate school marriage and family therapy program who defined two types of families, “suckee” and “blowee”, the former always recruiting new “members” and the later always letting them go. No value judgment intended here, both can be loving and supportive in their way.
Sally has a “suckee” family, her parents and two sisters tend to live in the same locale, stay in close contact, have big family gatherings (including events that bring the larger family from all over the country), and are always welcoming of in-laws and friends and finding ways to weave that larger circle into their family events and life as honorary “cousins” of a sort. There is a strong sense among all family members of the high importance of family relationships and being close. I certainly have felt completely welcome by her parents and siblings and woven into their family circle. But if I suggested that Sally and I move out of the Los Angeles area, that would probably be some sort of cataclysm, especially for her mom and dad. Continue reading →
Category Archives: Context
Interchangeable Parental Units
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. After 23 years of being a parent, including changing thousands of diapers when my kids were little, I have found no biological or psychological reason that men cannot be just as good parents and homemakers as women. Actually, there is one thing… men can’t breastfeed. Other than that, as far as I’m concerned, moms and dads are (to paraphrase the “Cone Heads” of Saturday Night Live) “interchangeable parental units”. Continue reading →
Cat’s in the Cradle
I don’t know if it was true for previous generations, but I got so much of my “ethical instruction” from songs that I would here over and over on the radio. Whether it was the Beatles telling me that, “All you need is love”, or The Supremes invoking the Golden Rule in, “Let me get over you the way you’ve gotten over me”, or a hundred different songs from a raft of insightful lyricists.
But of all the lyrics all those songs, I sometimes wonder how much the sad and ironic lyrics of Harry Chapin’s song has saved my generation of male-type parents from making the mistake that many of our dads made not playing a larger role in parenting and thus contributed to my own kids’ generation.
Chapin sings… Continue reading →
Captain Patriarch & the Forces of Male Justice
I was one of the few male students at Western Michigan University in Kalamazoo Michigan to choose to take “Status of Women” as one of my general studies classes. “You’re taking that?” was the reaction of most of my male student peers, but I must say there were at least a few other brave young men who attended as well. One of the key themes in the assigned reading was the idea of patriarchy as a social organizing principle and a key context for assessing the status of women in our society and others around the world. I was already familiar with the concept, from frequent “lectures” over my teenage years from my “Feminist Aunts”, particularly my mom’s dear friend Mary Jane (with her penchant for making up provocative words to humorously encapsulate topics where needed), who described the commoditization and male control of women’s sexuality and reproductive function as “patriarchal pimperialism”.
So based on this pedigree, and with enough ego still to try and show my professor and fellow students that I was no shrinking male violet in the world of “women’s studies” and feminism, I decided that for my final class project I would take on this concept of patriarchy and how it impacted me in my own life. Rather than write an essay, I decided on the outside-the-box approach of doing a comic strip, drawn with my own style of minimalist stick figures, and titled “Captain Patriarch and the Forces of Male Justice”. (Incidentally, I showed it later to my “Feminist Aunt” Mary Jane and she hooted with laughter, her eyes twinkled, and she indicated that her young apprentice had done well.) Continue reading →
The Mechanical Bride
Best known for coining the phrase “global village” and arguing that the properties of media itself are more significant in changing our lives than the content it presents, Marshall McLuhan’s first major book, The Mechanical Bride (1951), was a fascinating look at American culture seen through its popular culture, particularly advertisements and comic strips. I first read the book at age seventeen, but his approach to looking at contemporary popular culture as folklore or mythology, has stuck with me all my life, and a tool I have taught to my kids to help them better understand the context of the world they are living in. I find in our own times, that the glitzy color magazine ads and the highly produced TV commercials are particularly interesting in revealing a cultural context in which we live. Continue reading →
American Calvin
So much of America’s strengths and weaknesses, and what differentiates us from even our closest friends and allies in Western Europe, is our culture’s embrace (or at least our Anglo-Saxon “ruling tribe’s” embrace) of Calvinism, morphed to some degree as the “Protestant” or “Puritan Ethic.” This ideology, developed by John Calvin in the 16th century during the Protestant Reformation, threads its way through the enlightenment and industrial revolution in Europe, and rode the boats of the Puritans to the “new world”, and continues today to be deeply woven into religious and secular thought and institutions in America. Continue reading →
The Chalice & the Blade
In the early 1990s I read a book that, more so than anything I had read before or since, transformed the way I look at the world and helped me distill and inspired me to pursue my life’s purpose. The book is The Chalice and the Blade by Riane Eisler, a feminist, activist and futurist with degrees in sociology and law from the University of California. Born in Vienna, Austria, her family fled from the Nazis to Cuba when she was a child, and she later emigrated to the United States where she continues to live and work today. Continue reading →
Negotiating a Life Partnership
People used to the more traditional rituals of heterosexual courtship have asked me, “So how did you propose to your wife?”, wanting to hear about that moment I “popped the question”. The short answer is it didn’t work that way. The longer response is to tell them that in our case, it was a philosophical discussion and negotiation of sorts over several months that led at some point to both of us agreeing to do the marriage thing. The decision slowly evolved between us, until one day one of us said something to the effect of, “So are we going to do it?”, and the other indicated affirmation. Continue reading →
Guns & Barbies
In a household that was open to just about everything else, Sally and I had one rule expressing our most deeply held values and limiting what could come into the house… no toy (or real) guns and no Barbie dolls, two icons of the patriarchal paradigm. I used to laugh that it would be a great name for a punk band… “Guns & Barbies”. Though we never insisted or even encouraged Eric & Emma to follow this rule in their own lives outside our house, we wanted to model for our kids having an ethical bottom-line that you stick to.
There continues to be a great deal of discussion, research and writing related to whether violent play and a fascination with guns is inherent or learned behavior for boys. I believe the later to be true, despite the abundance of cultural mythology and evidence presented to the contrary. Though a higher level of testosterone is a biological reality of male bodies, I strongly believe that playing with weapons and violent play is socially constructed. Continue reading →
Millions Marching to One Great Command
A Jehovah’s Witness comes to my door and tells me that there is only one way to find peace and salvation… through Jesus Christ the Lord. Arne Duncan comes on my TV telling me that every youth in America needs to follow one set of national standards for education, to achieve economic salvation of sorts. A noted journalism professor is interviewed by NPR saying that the decline of newspapers is robbing us of the ability to all read the same editorial at the same time so we as a country can all talk about it together.
In a world of now seven billion people, with any number of religions, languages, cultures, rich veins of varied wisdom, and exploding amounts of knowledge that can not even begin to be encompassed by any learning content standard, many of us still seem to long for the unity of the one path and the power of millions marching to the same command. When the all-powerful deity, enlightened leader or best-practice expert sounds the call, everyone should have the common grounding to understand and appreciate that it is time to march and answer that call. Continue reading →